Every time I wanted to sit with it or even look at it in the eyes, I was often told this - " It's okay, don't think about it," "Time will heal it," "There is something better for you ahead," and everything else that put me in denial to accept whatever I was feeling. I remember spending days staring at the sky, nights where I would distract myself with movies because I couldn't sleep and moments that felt so heavy, it made me believe I would be consumed by them entirely. I remember living with this heaviness alone for quite a few days because I felt nobody can really "get it." When I look back today, I realize that it's true. Except you, nobody can fully understand the intensity of what you are feeling. When memories come and stand in front you, each one demands to be dealt with individually. Especially the ones that made you think, "this is how rest of my life is going to look like."
I remember this time when I couldn't cry or even understand what exactly I was feeling. And this was because I thought it was not necessary to get in touch with what I was feeling and it will pass on it's own. I could put on a smile very causally and make people around me believe I was happy. More than just happy. I wondered if anyone could really understand what was hidden beneath the smile. I wondered if anyone noticed the intensity of the pain.
I forced myself to get caught up in life and for a very long time I had forgotten that I am not just the roles I play and there are emotions that need to be dealt with in separateness of the roles I play.
Grief does get lonely at times. It's like you are in this internal war zone and there is no way out. Over the past few months I have realized the only way to really deal with it, is to sit with it. To own the pain that comes with it. Sometimes it's also about compassionately bidding goodbye to one memory at a time. It does become better. You do start looking at your life with a new perspective and believe in new beginnings. You pickup the lessons and somehow know that now it's okay to move forward. You just don't have to get through it alone.